How to Utilize Emotions for Their Divine Purpose & Follow Through with Healthy Communication for Growth & Improving Relationships

This does not qualify as my favorite thing to do… but communication is a basic skill that we all should have.  The fact is, however, that many of us are very gray and elementary in this area.  It’s not something emphasized in school and it’s not fun to deal with unhappy feelings and challenges – so we usually avoid them like the plague.  But if we open to the divine opportunities within them, we can reap great rewards and change feelings into freelings.

Communication has been rising for me during the challenges of the holidays, so as I brush up on my skills and refresh what I know, I share it with you! :)  This is an expansion of what I previously wrote about in many articles including Communication and Dealing with Conflict, but goes much farther into the earlier steps of being clear about the emotions you need to communicate.


I am still very stubborn and many times I delay this process, but through my experience with it, I always come back to these steps and feel EXTREMELY THANKFUL once I do.

1. Process Your Emotions.  (No emotion is too small for being super clear!)
1. Be aware of the trigger –

                                             i.     What situation caused the negative emotion? (anger/frustration/hurt/sadness/etc)

                                            ii.     What action in the situation caused you to feel upset? What feelings did you feel?

2. Vent and let it out!   Vent to another source (not directly to the person who hurt you).  Express your feelings as if you are saying them directly to the person that upset you.  Use cuss words if you want, they help get the emotions out.  Be bold and let it all out - even more than you usually would say.  Connect with that original upset feeling.  Options include:

                                             i.     Use the Emotional Processing Worksheet 

                                            ii.     Punch a pillow

                                           iii.     Exercise with intention of releasing the pain

                                           iv.     Write

                                            v.     Talk with a (different) friend

                                           vi.     Talk with God

                                          vii.     Cry

                                         viii.     Whatever FEELS RIGHT and lets out the feelings of frustration

3. See the mirror.  What aspect of you is being reflected in this divine opportunity for growth?   Know that you attracted the situation and you are not a victim.  This is a perfect opportunity to see where you can grow.  Love yourself enough to see what you can learn.  See the situation as a set up by your higher self to reflect an aspect of you so that you can see it.  Please do not feel ashamed - instead feel thankful that you have this opportunity and seize it so that you do not need another one.  See how you have felt and acted toward both this person and toward yourself.  Anything that you think they did is really just a mirror to show you how you have acted in some way or another.  This is the biggest opportunity to realize out of this whole process, so take your time here.  Include the exact feelings you felt in parts A and B, above.  Get to the core feelings.

*Hint hint*: look at what you felt strongest (keywords) in your venting. 

When you truly see the mirror, you will feel compassion and gratitude toward the other person for bringing you to this realization.  If you’re not there yet, keep looking within!  If needed, keep venting and come back to this step.

4. Determine how you can be better next time.  Don’t feel guilty here, just look for opportunity to grow next time.  Envision the ideal way to face these challenges.  Now that you have seen the whole picture, what would be the ideal reaction to have?
5. Apologize if necessary.  If you find after processing your emotions that you should apologize to someone else, use the following notes to guide you.  Speak to the Pain.  When you hurt someone, ask them to define the pain they felt honestly before you apologize.  Take note of the names of the feelings they felt as you will need to use these words exactly as they are said during your apology.  Sometimes you have hurt yourself.  In this case, apologize to your inner child - that little kid inside you that is pure, innocent, and not of this world.  Sometimes you've betrayed promises to yourself.  The apology must be sent from your thymus to the other person's thymus.  The thymus is located in the chest and sends out a healing apology.  This happens when the lower emotions are transmuted into compassion.  True compassion is felt when your feeling changes from victim mentality to thankfulness for the opportunity to learn what you have.  The person apologizing must not defend their actions - no excuses or rationalizing.  Offer amends and compensation if you feel compelled to do so.  This will serve as a reminder to you for remembering the lesson as well.  Give thanks for them in playing the role to show you this.  You cannot apologize too early or it will be disregarded.  If the pain has risen again, the first apology will be useless.

2.   Communicate Your Feelings

a.    Follow through to heal and raise awareness in your relationship.  AFTER venting and being clear on your emotions, with the intention of bringing healing to the relationship, share what you have learned or what needs to be communicated to the other person.  Stick to the facts and stay away from labels or judgments.  It is best to do this after apologizing for any hurt feelings you may have caused.  This is done simply to ensure that both partners are aware of the needs of each other so that you can create a fulfilling relationship.

b.   Use the following template for communication to make sure what you say is clear in communicating what you feel:

When you _______________(briefly describe the situation)

I feel/felt ___________________ (describe your feelings)

Because I _______________ (describe what need you have that wasn’t fulfilled)

Ex:  "When you yell, I feel attacked and disrespected because I need to be talked to calmly."  Remember to speak with love and the intention of simple communication.  If you are still feeling like a victim, you are not ready for this step yet.  Go back to step 1.

3.   Provide a Solid Foundation for Communication (For Them)   *please note that this part can come in any order, depending on your partner... be ready - as this is out of your control.

a.    To have a healthy relationship, the other person needs to be able to talk to you about their feelings as well.  Healing can really take place if they feel you are compassionate with their feelings.  This can be tough if you haven’t dealt with yours yet.  If that’s the case, simply COMMUNICATE to them to let them know you need some time before you can honor their feelings as they deserve because you are still working through yours. Make sure they know you are working on it and not just abandoning them.

b.   Be present and ready to receive their feelings when they share them (or communicate otherwise as stated above and let them know when you’re ready). 

c.    If their feelings trigger more of your feelings, continue to listen and be open to receiving what they say.  Hold the space of listening.  Give thanks to them for sharing and let them know that you need to step away and process your emotions.  Go back to step one and then communicate with them what you realize when you've gone through the steps.  DO NOT start venting or arguing with them. 

4.   Follow Up

a.    To be extra thorough, you can create a log of feelings, communications, etc.  This can help if it seems that there hasn’t been forward movement on a particular issue for quite some time.  Revisit the log once a month or so to discuss the progress made and ideas for more growth.

Would LOVE to hear what works for you!!!

To clarity and love - and the strength required to be!

by Danielle Crume © 2009