Fearlessness

Excerpt from Saying Yes to Change.

Fearlessness is being without self-deception. The willingness to look at ourselves and face what’s inside takes courage because we’re bound to discover things that we don’t like. There’s no hiding or denial for the brave. The catch-22 is that we don’t know what it is that we’re unwilling to see. The ego is clever and whatever makes it cringe in shame gets shoved under the covers. The only way that we can reclaim whatever its holding hostage under there is to be aware of our judgments about other people. They hold the key to what we judge most harshly about ourselves.

All human beings tuck the behaviors, desires and emotions that make them feel ashamed into their shadow, which is invisible because its out of our visual field. If we could look inside, we’d see it contains all the disowned parts of ourselves that anyone we wanted to please may have criticized. In order to get their love, we became separate from ourselves.

The process of sealing off shame involves deep denial – an out-of-sight, out-of-mind strategy that enables us to feel superficially okay. Whatever is being denied builds up and is projected. So if you’re a sweet person who doesn’t feel safe expressing anger, you may think you don’t even have that emotion. Instead, you’ll project it onto others who seem mad to (or at) you. Everywhere your mild eyes rest, scary rage will stare back at you. And if you’re incapable of intimacy, perhaps you’ll accuse your partner of being unable to relate to you. Projecting is a way of the ego, the judgmental false self maintains its separation and cuts itself off from the greater flow of consciousness that’s the essence of all that is. Whatever you see out there is really a mirror of yourself. Its just easier to see in other people.

Being without self-deception requires the deliberate willingness to own our projections and to be a whole real person, neuroses and all. When you are relaxed and centered, there’s much less of a tendency to project. The best time to identify projections is when you’re tired and stressed – when the mean streak is most likely to come out.

Courage requires that we meet our projections with gentleness and compassion. If we are just ourselves, we’re afraid that won’t be enough. People who are real and flawed often seem more loveable than those who give off an air of perfection. Its easier to like people who are natural – transparent, unaffected, and don’t let their masks get in the way.

The courage to be fearless, to be without self-deception, is a simple practice. It doesn’t mean being abrasive or without discernment – it just means being vulnerable to yourself, willing to witness what shames you with curiosity and compassion, and being vulnerable to other people when the situation is safe and appropriate.