I have been opening to feelings on a greater level. I am learning to honor them as divine signposts rather than seeing them as problems. Why the hell would I do this, you ask? I assure you this decision was reached with reason. This isn’t something I thought might be a fun exploration.
I have realized that as I open to really feeling my feelings, I can feel much more of the beauty of life. As I pay attention to them, my life is more rich and free. I feel a surge of happiness in my daily being naturally when I am clear with what I feel. When I look at the feelings that make me feel bad, it releases those negative charges and I exude gratitude much more naturally. Living from this emanation of thankfulness and appreciation for life makes my days a whole lot more enjoyable and real.
"The lightning flashes and the thunder roars and the superior man does not drop the ceremonial spoon."
But there’s a reason this was hidden to me for so much of my life. When I hit times of feeling bad feelings, I couldn’t handle it. I swore them off and thought I won the battle by numbing myself to painful feelings and out-thinking the inconvenience of them. This is an approach that many of us 'great thinkers' take to our emotions. We stuff our feelings inside rather than looking into them, receiving the gift they contain, and letting them go. This had worked well for me, it seemed. It allowed me the freedom of fun rather than wasted time and energy on these things that felt out of control. I had gotten so great at keeping my feelings in check, that I lost some of my ability to dream and vision. I was greatly limiting myself any my experience of life. All until I got this nudging curiosity to be more open to my feelings after catching a glimpse of the possibilities. I decided to go for it. I chose to enjoy my life as much as possible, have fun, and play it my best.
The other day I reached one of those annoying places of having yucky feelings. With my fresh greater openness I was reminded how feelings can feel like the end of life – like death itself, or perhaps worse. Everything I knew didn’t help much in that moment when I felt raw and out of control. I was committed to myself to get through it and find out why this situation had arisen. I journeyed beyond my usual comfort zone to break the reoccurring pattern of this hurtful reflection. Yet at the same time I felt frustrated that I had to feel these feelings that were not fun at all. It was very difficult for me to allocate time and energy to this, but I am glad I did. I let the feelings out, expressed them, and released them. All the while, I got as clear as I could about why this was happening and what gift of clarity it held for me. I looked at every angle I could see and tuned in to how I felt while seeing each one. I continued on this work until I felt that I had exerted the feelings and was tired. Then I rested and waited for new energy to come.
I realize now I don’t have to go so much at them to the point of kicking my own butt of exhaustion (I do that with lots of things I try). But I feel happy for the drive I had to stay focused and am joyful for any step I take in growth and healing. As I awoke, I naturally had a fresh perspective and clarity that was worth it all. I felt clear on my lessons and rejuvenated to work with them.
Having certain conditions abundant in my daily life provides a nourishing space for my development. With commitment, strength, and a foundation to grow, healing is happening. I am dedicated to be compassionate to myself. No matter what I do, I am gentle and loving to myself about it. There’s always more to learn. I study as I go. I seize each opportunity as much as I can and move on. When I feel I could have done better, I chalk it up as a lesson learned and treat myself kindly. I keep those close that not only give me the foundation to be my whole self but also encourage and support me in that. I treat them with the same compassion. I continue like a workhorse while playing every day.
My hardest lessons with feelings have involved my trying to place blame on others. When I open up to the idea that my lesson is for me and their lesson is for them, I can really let go of even thinking about what their lesson is. I focus my energy on the opportunity I have in the situation. In the past I never even saw my lessons. I was so focused on what the other person could learn that I didn’t get to much learning myself. Now I have moved beyond being the victim, my old comfy role. I know we each have something to learn in every bumping of heads, but I don’t need to make anyone else’s lessons my business in the heat of the moment. I do look at their opportunities after I’ve gotten clear with my feelings so that my true, pure intention in that moment is to love them only and to contribute to their growth. I am thankful to them for helping me to see and know more of myself. They have contributed to my greatest growths throughout.
I’ve found that I perfectly attract these people to show me where I can grow. They reflect those things back to me that I cannot see myself. Sometimes it’s a lot easier for people who aren’t in your skin to see what you’re doing and how you can grow. We subconsciously create the perfect storm to teach us those things we aren’t seeing or “getting” otherwise. This is all part of knowing ourselves. For how can we understand anything beyond until we’ve mastered knowing the interpreter?
As I release my friends and loved ones from being those who did me wrong or haven’t loved me the right way, my relationships become much better. I no longer attract those who don’t appreciate and love me enough – because I am loving me. I don’t need that lesson anymore. I don’t pull it to me.
Little by little I release the hold my feelings had on me as I learn to work with them. As I inquisitively look at these sacred signs that I feel internally as body sensations, I feel more full and alive.
When we don’t seize the nudges of our feelings and let them go out of our body, we hold them in. This stuffing of our emotions is what creates much of our dis-ease and physical illnesses or conditions.
As I keep 'keeping on', I witness graduation within myself. Old patterns of drama release their stronghold on me and dissolve. I peel away layers. Soon I don’t even notice those things that use to be my most hurtful pains. I am simply not irritated by them anymore. There’s no more hook. I free up to experience beyond the charges that once imprisoned me in fear or irritation. It’s a beautifully freeing thing! I revel in the delight of seeing myself grow and feel more vibrant. I can totally laugh with the things that use to anger me beyond belief – not to avoid them, but because it is really enjoyable to be free of them. They have actually guided me towards my personal freedom and a greater mastery of my being.
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