Communication and Dealing with Conflict

Communication is essential in every relationship, especially those that we are closest to and depend on. Partners can best recognize and find solutions to difficulties and challenges by working together - finding mutually acceptable solutions and growing closer than ever before. When done in a healthy way, sharing your feelings creates outstanding growth in relationships.

Please note that it is very important that you first process your emotions and vent your anger or frustration before approaching your partner. It is not helpful to bring undealt with feelings – it may make the situation worse. Before beginning, make sure you and they are both “deal-with-able”.

Many times people try to communicate their feelings, but what they say is misunderstood. In fact, it has been clinically proven by UC Davis professor Michael Motley that what women say is often believed to mean the opposite and vice versa. What someone may mean to say, what comes out, and what is understood may all be different things.

One way to best communicate clearly and without placing blame is to use the following formula.

Non-Violent Clear Communication

1. When you ______________ (Briefly describe the situation. Just the facts. No judgment.)
2. I felt/feel _______________ (Describe your feelings and emotions. Not thoughts.)
3. I need _________________ (Describe what need you have that wasn’t fulfilled.)
4. I want _________________ (State your specific request.)

An example of this would be, “When you leave dirty dishes in the sink, I feel hurt because I need to know you respect me, and I interpret that as a sign you don’t appreciate me. I want you to clean your own dishes without me having to ask you each time.”

We all have our disagreements now and then. Managing conflict is a normal part of life. Remember to keep communicating with love. Bring healing to the table or don’t come to the table yet. Take the time to get clear and centered before sharing your feelings.

There are four ways of dealing with conflict when it arises.

The Four Ways of Dealing with Conflict

1. Dominating the situation
2. Submitting to the other person
3. Avoiding or ignoring the situation
4. Differentiating
1. Show up and be present
2. Pay attention
3. Tell the truth
4. Don’t be attached to the outcome

Differentiating allows the most growth for everyone in the situation to lead toward true healing. Dominating, submitting, or avoiding in a fight all short cut the natural opportunity in the experience. Successfully working through conflict can create dramatic changes in the long-term well-being of the relationship.

As each partner takes time to communicate their feelings, the other should provide a solid foundation for communication.

A solid foundation for communication is a compassionate, open, listening space that you provide for your partner when they share their feelings. You create an environment that allows them to be honest without being judged so that they can really tell the truth and share how they feel. As they describe their emotions, your feelings may be triggered as well. If this happens, continue to listen and be open to what they say as much as possible. If needed you can note your feelings on paper. When they are done, give them thanks for sharing and let them know that you need to step away and process your own emotions. If needed, vent and get clear. Do not start venting to them or arguing with them. When you are clear and ready to communicate, ask that they now provide you with this same foundation for communication.

If the same types of conflict continuously arise in a relationship, or if it seems there hasn’t been much forward movement on a particular issue, you can be extra through and create a log of feelings, communications, etc. Revisit the log once a month or so to discuss the progress made and ideas for implementing more growth.

Each of us seems to have our usual preference or way of handling our troubles. Which is your tendency?

by Danielle Crume © 2009